questions..thoughts..ideas..

i think a lot. like a lot. in the past few years i've found writing is a way for me to in a way organize my thoughts and understand them better. i've also found it is even more difficult for me to verbalize my feelings and or thoughts. i find myself thinking.."i don't make any sense, why do i even try?"..or "what i have to say is not as important as what that person would say." when in reality there is a need for each of us to voice our opinions in thoughts. 

the other night my dad and i were talking and he just began to ask me questions about what i thought about a certain thing as well as questions of  how i am feeling. sure, it makes complete sense in my mind what i believe and what i think but it is a whole other story to actually begin to try and explain it to someone. i find myself longing for someone that i can go to whenever and speak my thoughts and feelings to and they'd understand. that they'd understand why i feel the way i do about certain things and would affirm me for having those thoughts. it has been a struggle for me to talk to my dad about my faith. he sets the bar pretty high when it comes to it. even though he or i wouldn't say he puts expectations or pressure on me to have all the right answers when it comes to faith, i feel that pressure. i feel as if i'm not good enough for him. 

yeah i post all these "inspirational" posts on Facebook and at school i'm known as someone with a great faith. but if everyone knew the ins and outs of me would they think of me the same? why do we feel the need to put on masks? when is it okay to be honest  with who we really are? because i feel like i cant always do that. growing up in a Christian home i have always "known" about God. for most of my life i've had a relationship with Him. but do i really 

no, i don't read the Bible near enough. no, i don't know every single Bible story and every single character there ever was. no, i don't say grace before every meal i consume. no, i don't quote scripture. no, i don't say the nicest things sometimes. no, i don't always have a smile on my face. no i don't always take time to pray for a person when i tell them i would. yes, i make mistakes, i mess up, i lie, i put on a mask, i cheat, i get angry, i don't thank God enough for this beautiful life i've been given. but you know what? God knows every single inch of me and guess what? He loves me the same. He really does. He loves me. He loves me when i mess up. He loves me when i question His goodness. He loves me when i fall at His feet crying and wondering "why God why?". 

you don't have to always speak about God. you don't always have to have a smile on your face. you don't always have to love God. its okay to screw up. because in reality its those people who've really screwed up and come to God that fully know His grace and His love. you don't have to be at either of the extremes. you can be in that middle area. just make sure before you go and start judging others you take time to look in the mirror. 

you are worthy of love and belonging. you are gonna mess up. your not ever gonna know all the answers to all of life's questions. and that's okay. 

and please, don't get me wrong here. i'm not saying this is easy. i'm not saying its easy to take time in the middle of your busy schedules to dig deep into His word. i'm not saying its easy to take the road less travelled. i'm not saying its easy standing up for yourself when really your not even sure what you believe in. i'm not saying its easy to go and talk to that kid who isn't one of the popular people. i'm not saying its easy to say no to something your friends are trying to get you to do and you know isn't right. i'm not saying its easy to talk to God when you don't even feel like He is listening or that He even cares. 

do it anyway. 

joshua 1:9 says...

^"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

i leave you with this thought. 

are you doing everything you can to follow the footsteps of the one who took your mistakes, your failures to the cross and traded them in for your life? we are all on this journey together. a journey where we will face temptation, fear, hope, love, guidance, misleading, judgement, and persecution. you are not alone. 

the dude has passion...

as i read and as i listened to the words and voice of Shane Koyczan i was beyond encouraged. i respect people like Shane so much. people who's words give me hope. they give me hope, because often what we hear or see in this world is defeating, sobering, depressing, and angering. so i encourage you to find a quiet spot, a comfy blanket, maybe even a cup of tea, and play the video as you read Shane's words. 

Instructions for a Bad Day

“There will be bad days. Be calm. Loosen your grip, opening each palm slowly now. Let go. Be confident. Know that now is only a moment, and that if today is as bad as it gets, understand that by tomorrow, today will have ended. Be gracious. Accept each extended hand offered to pull you back from the somewhere you cannot escape. Be diligent. Scrape the grey sky clean. Realize every dark cloud is a smoke screen meant to blind us from the truth, and the truth is, whether we see them or not - the sun and moon are still there and always there is light.

Be forthright. Despite your instinct to say, “it’s alright, I’m okay” - be honest. Say how you feel without fear or guilt, without remorse or complexity. Be lucid in your explanation, be sterling in your oppose. If you think for one second no one knows what you’ve been going through; be accepting of the fact that you are wrong, that the long drawn and heavy breaths of despair have at times been felt by everyone - that pain is part of the human condition and that alone makes you a legion.

We hungry underdogs, we risers with dawn, we dissmissers of odds, we blessers of on – we will station ourselves to the calm. We will hold ourselves to the steady, be ready, player one. Life is going to come at you armed with hard times and tough choices, your voice is your weapon, your thoughts ammunition – there are no free extra men, be aware that as the instant now passes, it exists now as then. So be a mirror reflecting yourself back, and remembering the times when you thought all of this was too hard and that you’d never make it through.

Remember the times you could have pressed quit – but you hit continue. Be forgiving. Living with the burden of anger, is not living. Giving your focus to wrath will leave your entire self absent of what you need. Love and hate are beasts and the one that grows is the one you feed. Be persistent. Be the weed growing through the cracks in the cement, beautiful - because it doesn’t know it’s not supposed to grow there. Be resolute. Declare what you accept as true in a way that envisions the resolve with which you accept it.

If you are having a good day, be considerate. A simple smile could be the first-aid kit that someone has been looking for. If you believe with absolute honesty that you are doing everything you can - do more.

There will be bad days, times when the world weighs on you for so long it leaves you looking for an easy way out. There will be moments when the drought of joy seems unending. Instances spent pretending that everything is all right when it clearly is not, check your blind spot. See that love is still there, be patient. Every nightmare has a beginning, but every bad day has an end. Ignore what others have called you. I am calling you friend. Make us comprehend the urgency of your crisis. Silence left to its own devices breeds silence.

So speak and be heard. One word after the next, express yourself and put your life into context; if you find that no one is listening, be loud. Make noise. Stand in poise and be open. Hope in these situations is not enough and you will need someone to lean on. In the unlikely event that you have no one, look again. Everyone is blessed with the ability to listen. The deaf will hear you with their eyes. The blind will see you with their hands. Let your heart fill their newsstands, let them read all about it. Admit to the bad days, the impossible nights. Listen to the insights of those who have been there, but have come back. They’ll tell you; you can stack misery, you can pack despair, you can even wear your sorrow, but come tomorrow you must change your clothes.

Everyone knows pain. We are not meant to carry it forever. We were never meant to hold it so closely, so be certain in the belief that what pain belongs to now will belong soon to then. That when someone asks you how was your day, realize that for some of us, it’s the only way we know how to say, “Be calm. Loosen your grip, opening each palm, slowly now – let go.””

- Shane Koyczan

take care.