i think a lot. like a lot. in the past few years i've found writing is a way for me to in a way organize my thoughts and understand them better. i've also found it is even more difficult for me to verbalize my feelings and or thoughts. i find myself thinking.."i don't make any sense, why do i even try?"..or "what i have to say is not as important as what that person would say." when in reality there is a need for each of us to voice our opinions in thoughts.
the other night my dad and i were talking and he just began to ask me questions about what i thought about a certain thing as well as questions of how i am feeling. sure, it makes complete sense in my mind what i believe and what i think but it is a whole other story to actually begin to try and explain it to someone. i find myself longing for someone that i can go to whenever and speak my thoughts and feelings to and they'd understand. that they'd understand why i feel the way i do about certain things and would affirm me for having those thoughts. it has been a struggle for me to talk to my dad about my faith. he sets the bar pretty high when it comes to it. even though he or i wouldn't say he puts expectations or pressure on me to have all the right answers when it comes to faith, i feel that pressure. i feel as if i'm not good enough for him.
yeah i post all these "inspirational" posts on Facebook and at school i'm known as someone with a great faith. but if everyone knew the ins and outs of me would they think of me the same? why do we feel the need to put on masks? when is it okay to be honest with who we really are? because i feel like i cant always do that. growing up in a Christian home i have always "known" about God. for most of my life i've had a relationship with Him. but do i really
no, i don't read the Bible near enough. no, i don't know every single Bible story and every single character there ever was. no, i don't say grace before every meal i consume. no, i don't quote scripture. no, i don't say the nicest things sometimes. no, i don't always have a smile on my face. no i don't always take time to pray for a person when i tell them i would. yes, i make mistakes, i mess up, i lie, i put on a mask, i cheat, i get angry, i don't thank God enough for this beautiful life i've been given. but you know what? God knows every single inch of me and guess what? He loves me the same. He really does. He loves me. He loves me when i mess up. He loves me when i question His goodness. He loves me when i fall at His feet crying and wondering "why God why?".
you don't have to always speak about God. you don't always have to have a smile on your face. you don't always have to love God. its okay to screw up. because in reality its those people who've really screwed up and come to God that fully know His grace and His love. you don't have to be at either of the extremes. you can be in that middle area. just make sure before you go and start judging others you take time to look in the mirror.
you are worthy of love and belonging. you are gonna mess up. your not ever gonna know all the answers to all of life's questions. and that's okay.
and please, don't get me wrong here. i'm not saying this is easy. i'm not saying its easy to take time in the middle of your busy schedules to dig deep into His word. i'm not saying its easy to take the road less travelled. i'm not saying its easy standing up for yourself when really your not even sure what you believe in. i'm not saying its easy to go and talk to that kid who isn't one of the popular people. i'm not saying its easy to say no to something your friends are trying to get you to do and you know isn't right. i'm not saying its easy to talk to God when you don't even feel like He is listening or that He even cares.
do it anyway.
joshua 1:9 says...
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
i leave you with this thought.
are you doing everything you can to follow the footsteps of the one who took your mistakes, your failures to the cross and traded them in for your life? we are all on this journey together. a journey where we will face temptation, fear, hope, love, guidance, misleading, judgement, and persecution. you are not alone.
1 comment:
Well Em, I've gotta say this blog hit home for me! I feel the same way, everyone sees me as this good Christian girl, when really i feel like the biggest sinner of all, putting that mask. This has challenged me to take it off, and be ok with people seeing my entire self, And be willing to let God use Me, mold me, and slowly smooth out those kinks of Questioning Him, getting angry, lying, etc. I know. Will never be perfect at this, but I'll try and do my best. If He gave his beat for me, why shouldn't I do the same for him. Thanks Em for the challenge!
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