questions..thoughts..ideas..

i think a lot. like a lot. in the past few years i've found writing is a way for me to in a way organize my thoughts and understand them better. i've also found it is even more difficult for me to verbalize my feelings and or thoughts. i find myself thinking.."i don't make any sense, why do i even try?"..or "what i have to say is not as important as what that person would say." when in reality there is a need for each of us to voice our opinions in thoughts. 

the other night my dad and i were talking and he just began to ask me questions about what i thought about a certain thing as well as questions of  how i am feeling. sure, it makes complete sense in my mind what i believe and what i think but it is a whole other story to actually begin to try and explain it to someone. i find myself longing for someone that i can go to whenever and speak my thoughts and feelings to and they'd understand. that they'd understand why i feel the way i do about certain things and would affirm me for having those thoughts. it has been a struggle for me to talk to my dad about my faith. he sets the bar pretty high when it comes to it. even though he or i wouldn't say he puts expectations or pressure on me to have all the right answers when it comes to faith, i feel that pressure. i feel as if i'm not good enough for him. 

yeah i post all these "inspirational" posts on Facebook and at school i'm known as someone with a great faith. but if everyone knew the ins and outs of me would they think of me the same? why do we feel the need to put on masks? when is it okay to be honest  with who we really are? because i feel like i cant always do that. growing up in a Christian home i have always "known" about God. for most of my life i've had a relationship with Him. but do i really 

no, i don't read the Bible near enough. no, i don't know every single Bible story and every single character there ever was. no, i don't say grace before every meal i consume. no, i don't quote scripture. no, i don't say the nicest things sometimes. no, i don't always have a smile on my face. no i don't always take time to pray for a person when i tell them i would. yes, i make mistakes, i mess up, i lie, i put on a mask, i cheat, i get angry, i don't thank God enough for this beautiful life i've been given. but you know what? God knows every single inch of me and guess what? He loves me the same. He really does. He loves me. He loves me when i mess up. He loves me when i question His goodness. He loves me when i fall at His feet crying and wondering "why God why?". 

you don't have to always speak about God. you don't always have to have a smile on your face. you don't always have to love God. its okay to screw up. because in reality its those people who've really screwed up and come to God that fully know His grace and His love. you don't have to be at either of the extremes. you can be in that middle area. just make sure before you go and start judging others you take time to look in the mirror. 

you are worthy of love and belonging. you are gonna mess up. your not ever gonna know all the answers to all of life's questions. and that's okay. 

and please, don't get me wrong here. i'm not saying this is easy. i'm not saying its easy to take time in the middle of your busy schedules to dig deep into His word. i'm not saying its easy to take the road less travelled. i'm not saying its easy standing up for yourself when really your not even sure what you believe in. i'm not saying its easy to go and talk to that kid who isn't one of the popular people. i'm not saying its easy to say no to something your friends are trying to get you to do and you know isn't right. i'm not saying its easy to talk to God when you don't even feel like He is listening or that He even cares. 

do it anyway. 

joshua 1:9 says...

^"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

i leave you with this thought. 

are you doing everything you can to follow the footsteps of the one who took your mistakes, your failures to the cross and traded them in for your life? we are all on this journey together. a journey where we will face temptation, fear, hope, love, guidance, misleading, judgement, and persecution. you are not alone. 

the dude has passion...

as i read and as i listened to the words and voice of Shane Koyczan i was beyond encouraged. i respect people like Shane so much. people who's words give me hope. they give me hope, because often what we hear or see in this world is defeating, sobering, depressing, and angering. so i encourage you to find a quiet spot, a comfy blanket, maybe even a cup of tea, and play the video as you read Shane's words. 

Instructions for a Bad Day

“There will be bad days. Be calm. Loosen your grip, opening each palm slowly now. Let go. Be confident. Know that now is only a moment, and that if today is as bad as it gets, understand that by tomorrow, today will have ended. Be gracious. Accept each extended hand offered to pull you back from the somewhere you cannot escape. Be diligent. Scrape the grey sky clean. Realize every dark cloud is a smoke screen meant to blind us from the truth, and the truth is, whether we see them or not - the sun and moon are still there and always there is light.

Be forthright. Despite your instinct to say, “it’s alright, I’m okay” - be honest. Say how you feel without fear or guilt, without remorse or complexity. Be lucid in your explanation, be sterling in your oppose. If you think for one second no one knows what you’ve been going through; be accepting of the fact that you are wrong, that the long drawn and heavy breaths of despair have at times been felt by everyone - that pain is part of the human condition and that alone makes you a legion.

We hungry underdogs, we risers with dawn, we dissmissers of odds, we blessers of on – we will station ourselves to the calm. We will hold ourselves to the steady, be ready, player one. Life is going to come at you armed with hard times and tough choices, your voice is your weapon, your thoughts ammunition – there are no free extra men, be aware that as the instant now passes, it exists now as then. So be a mirror reflecting yourself back, and remembering the times when you thought all of this was too hard and that you’d never make it through.

Remember the times you could have pressed quit – but you hit continue. Be forgiving. Living with the burden of anger, is not living. Giving your focus to wrath will leave your entire self absent of what you need. Love and hate are beasts and the one that grows is the one you feed. Be persistent. Be the weed growing through the cracks in the cement, beautiful - because it doesn’t know it’s not supposed to grow there. Be resolute. Declare what you accept as true in a way that envisions the resolve with which you accept it.

If you are having a good day, be considerate. A simple smile could be the first-aid kit that someone has been looking for. If you believe with absolute honesty that you are doing everything you can - do more.

There will be bad days, times when the world weighs on you for so long it leaves you looking for an easy way out. There will be moments when the drought of joy seems unending. Instances spent pretending that everything is all right when it clearly is not, check your blind spot. See that love is still there, be patient. Every nightmare has a beginning, but every bad day has an end. Ignore what others have called you. I am calling you friend. Make us comprehend the urgency of your crisis. Silence left to its own devices breeds silence.

So speak and be heard. One word after the next, express yourself and put your life into context; if you find that no one is listening, be loud. Make noise. Stand in poise and be open. Hope in these situations is not enough and you will need someone to lean on. In the unlikely event that you have no one, look again. Everyone is blessed with the ability to listen. The deaf will hear you with their eyes. The blind will see you with their hands. Let your heart fill their newsstands, let them read all about it. Admit to the bad days, the impossible nights. Listen to the insights of those who have been there, but have come back. They’ll tell you; you can stack misery, you can pack despair, you can even wear your sorrow, but come tomorrow you must change your clothes.

Everyone knows pain. We are not meant to carry it forever. We were never meant to hold it so closely, so be certain in the belief that what pain belongs to now will belong soon to then. That when someone asks you how was your day, realize that for some of us, it’s the only way we know how to say, “Be calm. Loosen your grip, opening each palm, slowly now – let go.””

- Shane Koyczan

take care. 

coming to the cross

this past Wednesday i led my youth group in a night focused around bringing our shame and or guilt to the feet of Jesus. we began by watching a Nooma video titled "Lump."  here is a little preview of its message. 

after watching the video i then proceeded to explain what we would be doing next. we transitioned by moving into the sanctuary. music was playing. the lights were off. a candle, a wooden cross, nails, and a hammer were placed at the front of the sanctuary. i encouraged each person to write down on a piece of paper something that they wanted to lay at the foot of the cross. as a way of giving it to Him and understanding that we are in need of giving our burdens to Him. it was a powerful evening. i had been planning for this night for about a month. it was evident to me that God was working through me. waking me up in the night to write down some thoughts. speaking to me through my mentor Holly. although i didn't talk with everyone who took part in this evening, i had a sense it was a meaningful evening for most everyone. 

thanks to my parents i have gotten to know someone i deeply respect now, her name is Brene Brown. she has done much research on the power of vulnerability as well as shame and guilt. one of my favorite quotes of hers is, "You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging." 

i want to share with you her talk, titled "Listening to Shame." it is an eye-opening and powerful talk. 

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

"To become strong in the broken places in our lives demands that
we do two things, 'hang in there' and 'let go.' To somehow dig
up the courage to keep going is the very courage that allows us
to scoop up the broken pieces of our lives and lay them all at the
feet of the One who would do more in us than just get us through the
storm."
 James Mean

peace. 

what to do...

a photographer. a teacher. a pastor. a youth pastor. a journalist. a counselor. a missionary. a nurse. an interior designer. a chef. throughout my life so far each one of these professions have come to mind as i have thought about what i want to do with my life. at times i have felt very strongly about one idea but then as i have begun to learn more about myself and become exposed to different possibilities my ideas have changed numerous times. it is fun for me to think about what i could see myself doing. i have been so incredibly blessed to have felt  and been given so many different forms of affirmation from many different people in my life so far. i look forward to seeing where God leads me. i believe He will take me to numerous places. i look forward to meeting new people and forming relationships with those i meet. speaking of going somewhere new, i have begun thinking about where God is calling me to. last year if you would've asked me what i was thinking of doing after high school i would've definitely said, "well not college!" at that time i was leaning towards the idea of taking a year off and possibly doing service somewhere. but something has changed. i have felt more of a motivation to do well in my school work this year, and ive begun to feel as though i do have a purpose and a calling. sure, i dont know what that is exactly but i trust that God will provide. as of now Hesston College has been calling my name. a small mennonite college in Kansas, 2 year college, family-like atmosphere, and consists of a great Bible program. so as of now i am considering majoring in Bible and Ministry at Hesston. i believe it will give me a good base to whatever i choose to do next. i say all this with the realization that it all could change, and im completely fine with that. i also realize i am one of the few in my age group who actually feels like they know what they want to do. i feel so blessed. after Hesston, i am considering Eastern Mennonite University in Harrisonburg. whether i major in social work or psychology. who knows but God. well these are my thoughts for now. take care. 

blessed.

as i sit here in my warm house..as i hear the laughter of my sisters...as i smell mom's cooking in the kitchen...and as i sit and see the sun set out my windows..i think to myself..what a beautiful life i have been blessed with..i encourage you to remember that no matter how messed up this world of ours is there is always something to be grateful for..♥ this afternoon my mom and sisters and were sitting together in the living room. we had just finished up face-timing with my aunt and something came up about it feeling a bit out of our comfort zones to face-time. how it felt weird to be in communication with someone in our family but not be in the same room with them. i will choose not to go into details, but together we each took our turns being honest with one another. this honesty was uncomfortable. we vented with one another. sharing our hurts and our latest struggles. there was a very unsettling feeling as we began to one up one another. then my mother being the wise one that she is prompted us with the question, "and how can we make this better? how can we work to be respectful of one another and take time to listen to one another?" this prompted me to break down the walls of feeling like i had to be better than my sisters. i shared with my sister that no matter how mad or fake i may come across to her i am so proud to call her my sister. as i have watched her play this season of basketball. seeing her going from playing freshman basketball to playing at the varisty level all in one season has made me so entirely proud. as i look out during the national anthem during her games and looking one by one at each of the girls hand on their hearts and then seeing my sister hands behind her back. because as she personally believes that pledging allegiance to america is not something she feels called to do. wow. it takes someone very strong and special to make a choice like that. and in that moment when i shared that with her, tears running down both of our cheeks, the shame, the guilt, and the  hurt that we had just been experiencing and sharing seemed to instantly fade away. the respect and the love came instead.it amazes me how when we make the choice to look at the positive in each other how that can change us. for lent this year i have begun to keep a gratitude journal. each evening before bed i have taken time to record a couple things from the past day that i find myself grateful for. its been really helpful to look back on my day no matter how bad it may have seemed and to realize there were actually good things that happened as well. i realize how blessed i am and how at times i dont fully realize it. so now i encourage each one of you reading this to be sure to spend time with your family. i know for some family may be not a place where they are most comfortable but be sure to take time to be real, authentic, and genuine with those whom you do feel comfortable with. we all are struggling. dont be afraid to share with someone else because chances are they are in need to share as well. well these are my thoughts for now. peace and take care.

honesty..

this week has been a really good one for me. i felt God's presence in so many different ways. even in the small things such as hearing a song on the radio that i was really able to relate to at the time. and in the big things such as a conversation with a good friend of mine that needed to happen. being able to be honest with one another and realizing that God was present. i know i tend to not fully expect to see God in my everyday life but i was reminded this week that if we seek God we will find Him. i am also amazed each and everyday at school the variety of people that come up to me and feel comfortable to talk to me and even some who feel comfortable enough to be honest and tell me what they are struggling with or where they see God at work. wow. it gives me chills just thinking about it. God, you are working through me. some find fulfillment  and confidence through sports, academics, music, art, or dancing but for me its being able to listen. to listen to people whether they are hurting, rejoicing, or just simply confiding in me. listening as well reaching out to every person not just the "cool" ones. it gives me so much joy to know that people respect me because of the faith i have in Him. its not because of me its because of HIM. we are each called to live out our lives in such a way that through our actions and words the only one who is glorified is HIM. whatever your gifts may be. be bold. be confident in the One who provides all strength and power. praise be to the King of Kings.forever and ever. amen. peace. 

beloved..

Adjective                              Dearly loved.

Noun                        A much loved person.

Synonyms adjective.   dear - darling - favorite - favorite - loved noun.   sweetheart - darling - love - sweetie - lover

Psalm 119:41-48 (The Message)

Let your love, God, shape my life    with salvation, exactly as you promised;
Then I’ll be able to stand up to mockery
    because I trusted your Word.
Don’t ever deprive me of truth, not ever—
    your commandments are what I depend on.
Oh, I’ll guard with my life what you’ve revealed to me,
    guard it now, guard it ever;
And I’ll stride freely through wide open spaces
    as I look for your truth and your wisdom;
Then I’ll tell the world what I find,
    speak out boldly in public, unembarrassed.
I cherish your commandments—oh, how I love them!—
    relishing every fragment of your counsel.

on monday night our family received word that my 17 year old cousin had been in an accident head on with a drunk driver. she was immediately taken to the trauma center and at the time there was so much unknown. the feelings of shock, anger, and sadness were very present as we waited to hear more of her injuries and present condition. but i am so grateful and overjoyed to announce that her recovery has gone so peacefully and smoothly. i am reminded of the immeasurable and vast the love that God has is for each one of us. i find myself thinking so often, how in the world can i possibly be worth the love that He has for me. i am beloved. He loves me despite the fact that i fail Him everyday. 

then a good friend of mine shared a way that has helped him to be reminded of God in his everyday life. he challenged our fca to find something in our everyday life and dedicate it to God. whether it be making it our mission to act kindly towards our siblings when we face the temptation to snap back when they annoy us or even simply carrying around a special rock in our pocket to remind us that God is always with us. as i was thinking of what i could do to help me be reminded of this i thought of a word. b e l o v e d. i thought about where i could have it so that i would constantly be reminded of God's presence and the reminder that God loves me despite all the ways i fail Him. so as you can see in the photo above i found my wrist to be a good place to write it. so that throughout my day and whatever challenges i may face i would be reminded. "em, you are loved." it may seem so simple. because i think we often use the word love so loosely. but love is such a powerful and deep word. so i'd encourage you to find a way or object that can help you to be reminded of God's presence in your everyday life. remember that you are beloved no matter what you've done. He still loves YOU <3 font="font" nbsp="nbsp">

peace.