a rollercoaster..

  and what a ride it has been. full speed. with numerous ups and downs along the way.

 

   each day this week I have come home from camp with so many stories, so much less energy than I started the day with, and many new lessons learned. i would be lying if I said this week was easy.  i love my girls, Samara and K'yanna but they don't make my job easy.

 

   K'yanna/KK is very outspoken, you will often hear her ranting. one of her famous lines is, "i'm gonna pop you on the head." the first two days of camp I was busy taking care of Samara's needs that I didn't spend as much time with K'yanna. by the third day I could tell that was bothering her. so we had a talk and it ended with a hug and her saying, "your my favorite staff." she comes across with an attitude at times and will often ask me to not touch her or her things. so i have learned to only show her affection when she either asks for it or she gives it to me first. while she may come across at first as very confident and almost obnoxious at times but throughout the week i saw glimpses of a softer and more sensitive side. i look forward to continuing to build a friendship with her as the weeks go on.

 

   Samara/Mar Mar is less outspoken. small for her age, but sometimes you would be surprised with how loud she could be. the first day her and her best friend Skyla shared with the class their best friend rap: "skyla and samara this is all we be about, your papa's so fat i got cheese on my Minnie mouse" now don't ask me what that means but they sure do love it. one of my favorite memories with Mar Mar was both on Monday and Tuesday during Bible story time she decided to fart on me. Monday's were small and not so loud but then Tuesday came around and let me tell ya it was explosive. both times she was rolling on the floor laughing and so was i. from then on i knew she was comfortable with me. i also learned that to get attention Samara likes to pout. it was a struggle for me to know how much attention i should give her. i say all this, and at the same time i still love Samara. even though she gives me trouble i still love her. unconditional love, that is what the camp is all about.

 

  now even though those are the girls i have been asked to closely mentor i have also started to build friendships with the other fourth graders. Imani, quiet personality, cute outfits, and beautiful smiles. Lillian, soft voice, always doing the right thing, is a helper. Fara, smart, likes to say "hi", and she enjoys camp. Savannah, quite a handful, tells it like it is, likes to be the one in charge. Skyla, loves hugs, very outspoken, loves to laugh. And Corian, the only boy in a class of 7 girls, lady's man, loves hugs, responds better to female staff. its been such a joy getting to know all of them.

 

first impressions are always interesting. i look forward to learning more about and from the kids as the summer goes on.

 

each night i have made it my duty to no matter how hard the day was to write down in my journal a list of things i was grateful for from that day. i have found it to be a good way of ending the day well no matter how it might have gone. its good for me to reflect and to be grateful. because there is always something to be grateful for.

 

thank you so much for your continued support and prayers. even though the hardest part may be over i still have a lot to learn and a lot more days ahead. while i really look forward to them, i know they will not all be easy.

 

take care.

 

 

prepared, inspired, and anxious..

on Monday of this week I woke up at around 6:30AM. the first thing I did was open my Jesus Calling devotional book to June 10th. and this is what was written...

"Rest in Me, My child. Give your mind a break from planning and trying to anticipate what will happen. Pray continually, asking My Spirit to take charge of the details of this day. Remember that you are on a journey with Me. When you try to peer into the future and plan for every possibility, you ignore your constant Companion who sustains you moment by moment. As you gaze anxiously into the distance, you don't even feel the strong grip of My hand holding yours. How foolish you are, My child! Remembrance of Me is a daily discipline. Never lose sight of My Presence with you. This will keep you resting in Me all day, everyday."

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him." -Psalm 62:5

 

   before reading this on Monday morning I had overwhelmed myself with worry, fear, and nervousness. all the new that I was about to encounter was causing me to ignore my constant Companion. I was gazing anxiously into the distance, not remembering the strong grip of God's hand holding mine. when I read this I immediately felt at peace. one of the most bizarre feelings ever. although I did go into the day at peace, taking all that "new" in was very exhausting.

 

   I carpooled with 3 other teens to Belden Elementary School in Canton, Ohio where I would be spending the majority of my summer working. This past week each day we focused on how to be best prepared for when the kids would arrive. each morning we watched a TED talk. these talks sparked good discussion as we answered questions like: what is this telling us about who we are as humans? how is the speaker challenging us as educators? what steps can we take to create a positive atmosphere for our students?

 

   another form of training we went through in the afternoon was called MANDT training. the MANDT system teaches that all people are important. at the most basic level, relationships are formed to satisfy human needs for human safety and security and needed for people to grow and develop. building positive healthy relationships is the ultimate goal of their training system. Darin Nissley, one of the directors, led this part of the training. I was very impressed and encouraged hearing his words and wisdom. some of the key things he said during this time were:

-Jesus died for them (kids) as much as He died for me.

-This camp is about power under. We are not here to stand on top of these kids and share our power that way, but we are to about power under. Helping these kids to be empowered.

-All this camp cares about is the heart.

 

   so Monday went and came, and the rest of the week went smoothly. I learned to get to know the rest of my team. many smiles were shared as we talked about how excited we all were to meet the kids. towards the end of the week we found out the names of the kids we each would be individually mentoring throughout the summer. I found out that I have two girls. Samara and Kyanna. I look forward to building a relationship with them both. I feel as though I am as ready to learn from my mistakes and grow as I invest in both of them. i believe this week was really beneficial. i learned a lot. i feel as though i am prepared. and although I am very excited to meet the kids, I also find myself a little anxious about the unknown. then I am reminded of this verse.

 

 "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him." -Psalm 62:5

 

i hope to keep you updated on how next week goes for me. thanks for your prayers and your support. i appreciate it so very much!

take care.

 

 

an opened door.

To my friends and family,

   I am so excited to inform you of a very exciting and special dream of mine that has begun to take shape. I have been accepted to work with Lighthouse Ministries in Canton, OH this summer! Each summer Lighthouse Ministries leads what they call a Summer Enrichment Camp. They have both college and high school students help minister and walk alongside kids predominantly elementary aged.
   I will be living with my grandparents who live in Kidron, Ohio during that time. I leave Sunday June 9th and training begins on June 10th. I will be in Kidron for the majority of the summer all except for 2 weeks. I am grateful to be allowed to still be able to allow time off to go to Convention in Arizona and enjoy time with my extended Kauffman family. My official last day working will be August 1st.    The Lighthouse Summer Enrichment camp focuses on nurturing kid’s needs academically, physically, and spiritually. We will spend time each day exercising, learning math, science, arts, and reading, and finishing the  day with worship and a Bible study.
   As a high school intern, I’ll be placed in either the 3rd, 4th, or 5th grade class and I’ll be assigned to one or two kids for the summer. My job is to be their encourager, motivator, supervisor and friend. Many of the children in this program have very little knowledge of God or the Bible. The goal is to plant seeds of faith in their young lives and let them know how much Jesus loves each and every one of them.

  

 

I would really appreciate your prayers throughout this summer. Prayers for an open mind, an open heart, and open arms to all that God has in store for me. I plan on using my blog as a way of updating and sharing my experiences throughout this summer.

take care.

 

 

 

a new beginning to a new end...

today it hit me as I walked through the halls of pettisville high school...yesterday was the seniors last day of high school...they are done...they will never walk through these halls ever again as students but as graduates...whoa...I am filled with so many emotions right now I don't think I can fully grasp what all this means....emotions of sadness, loss, nervousness, anger, fear, excitement, happiness, and pressure...this years senior class was pretty awesome. all though there are some I cant say that I will miss, the overall majority of them I can say that I will. I will miss there uplifting spirits in the hallway, their smiles, their hugs, their senses of humor, and their energy. and for me to realize our class has some pretty big shoes to fill. that we are the leaders of the school next year is kind of scary. I think Im right in saying our class has tended to get a bad rep. which I think makes this whole senior leadership thing a bit more scary for me. although id love to be at a place where I feel like ive put all my trust in the Lord that unfortunately is not where im at. it is very scary for me to think that I will be leaving my beloved family. as well as all the expectations I feel like I need to live up to because it is my last year of high school. the future is a scary thing and I really don't like looking at it unless I know exactly what im looking at. then I read Isaiah 43....

But now, this is what the Lord says—
    he who created you, Jacob,
    he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
² When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.
³ For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

 

I am comforted by these words. I feel like I will be reading them a lot more throughout the next year :) I have only just begun this journey. Although as of now all I can focus on are all my fears I believe there will be times of happiness and excitement along the way...

take care.

questions..thoughts..ideas..

i think a lot. like a lot. in the past few years i've found writing is a way for me to in a way organize my thoughts and understand them better. i've also found it is even more difficult for me to verbalize my feelings and or thoughts. i find myself thinking.."i don't make any sense, why do i even try?"..or "what i have to say is not as important as what that person would say." when in reality there is a need for each of us to voice our opinions in thoughts. 

the other night my dad and i were talking and he just began to ask me questions about what i thought about a certain thing as well as questions of  how i am feeling. sure, it makes complete sense in my mind what i believe and what i think but it is a whole other story to actually begin to try and explain it to someone. i find myself longing for someone that i can go to whenever and speak my thoughts and feelings to and they'd understand. that they'd understand why i feel the way i do about certain things and would affirm me for having those thoughts. it has been a struggle for me to talk to my dad about my faith. he sets the bar pretty high when it comes to it. even though he or i wouldn't say he puts expectations or pressure on me to have all the right answers when it comes to faith, i feel that pressure. i feel as if i'm not good enough for him. 

yeah i post all these "inspirational" posts on Facebook and at school i'm known as someone with a great faith. but if everyone knew the ins and outs of me would they think of me the same? why do we feel the need to put on masks? when is it okay to be honest  with who we really are? because i feel like i cant always do that. growing up in a Christian home i have always "known" about God. for most of my life i've had a relationship with Him. but do i really 

no, i don't read the Bible near enough. no, i don't know every single Bible story and every single character there ever was. no, i don't say grace before every meal i consume. no, i don't quote scripture. no, i don't say the nicest things sometimes. no, i don't always have a smile on my face. no i don't always take time to pray for a person when i tell them i would. yes, i make mistakes, i mess up, i lie, i put on a mask, i cheat, i get angry, i don't thank God enough for this beautiful life i've been given. but you know what? God knows every single inch of me and guess what? He loves me the same. He really does. He loves me. He loves me when i mess up. He loves me when i question His goodness. He loves me when i fall at His feet crying and wondering "why God why?". 

you don't have to always speak about God. you don't always have to have a smile on your face. you don't always have to love God. its okay to screw up. because in reality its those people who've really screwed up and come to God that fully know His grace and His love. you don't have to be at either of the extremes. you can be in that middle area. just make sure before you go and start judging others you take time to look in the mirror. 

you are worthy of love and belonging. you are gonna mess up. your not ever gonna know all the answers to all of life's questions. and that's okay. 

and please, don't get me wrong here. i'm not saying this is easy. i'm not saying its easy to take time in the middle of your busy schedules to dig deep into His word. i'm not saying its easy to take the road less travelled. i'm not saying its easy standing up for yourself when really your not even sure what you believe in. i'm not saying its easy to go and talk to that kid who isn't one of the popular people. i'm not saying its easy to say no to something your friends are trying to get you to do and you know isn't right. i'm not saying its easy to talk to God when you don't even feel like He is listening or that He even cares. 

do it anyway. 

joshua 1:9 says...

^"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

i leave you with this thought. 

are you doing everything you can to follow the footsteps of the one who took your mistakes, your failures to the cross and traded them in for your life? we are all on this journey together. a journey where we will face temptation, fear, hope, love, guidance, misleading, judgement, and persecution. you are not alone. 

the dude has passion...

as i read and as i listened to the words and voice of Shane Koyczan i was beyond encouraged. i respect people like Shane so much. people who's words give me hope. they give me hope, because often what we hear or see in this world is defeating, sobering, depressing, and angering. so i encourage you to find a quiet spot, a comfy blanket, maybe even a cup of tea, and play the video as you read Shane's words. 

Instructions for a Bad Day

“There will be bad days. Be calm. Loosen your grip, opening each palm slowly now. Let go. Be confident. Know that now is only a moment, and that if today is as bad as it gets, understand that by tomorrow, today will have ended. Be gracious. Accept each extended hand offered to pull you back from the somewhere you cannot escape. Be diligent. Scrape the grey sky clean. Realize every dark cloud is a smoke screen meant to blind us from the truth, and the truth is, whether we see them or not - the sun and moon are still there and always there is light.

Be forthright. Despite your instinct to say, “it’s alright, I’m okay” - be honest. Say how you feel without fear or guilt, without remorse or complexity. Be lucid in your explanation, be sterling in your oppose. If you think for one second no one knows what you’ve been going through; be accepting of the fact that you are wrong, that the long drawn and heavy breaths of despair have at times been felt by everyone - that pain is part of the human condition and that alone makes you a legion.

We hungry underdogs, we risers with dawn, we dissmissers of odds, we blessers of on – we will station ourselves to the calm. We will hold ourselves to the steady, be ready, player one. Life is going to come at you armed with hard times and tough choices, your voice is your weapon, your thoughts ammunition – there are no free extra men, be aware that as the instant now passes, it exists now as then. So be a mirror reflecting yourself back, and remembering the times when you thought all of this was too hard and that you’d never make it through.

Remember the times you could have pressed quit – but you hit continue. Be forgiving. Living with the burden of anger, is not living. Giving your focus to wrath will leave your entire self absent of what you need. Love and hate are beasts and the one that grows is the one you feed. Be persistent. Be the weed growing through the cracks in the cement, beautiful - because it doesn’t know it’s not supposed to grow there. Be resolute. Declare what you accept as true in a way that envisions the resolve with which you accept it.

If you are having a good day, be considerate. A simple smile could be the first-aid kit that someone has been looking for. If you believe with absolute honesty that you are doing everything you can - do more.

There will be bad days, times when the world weighs on you for so long it leaves you looking for an easy way out. There will be moments when the drought of joy seems unending. Instances spent pretending that everything is all right when it clearly is not, check your blind spot. See that love is still there, be patient. Every nightmare has a beginning, but every bad day has an end. Ignore what others have called you. I am calling you friend. Make us comprehend the urgency of your crisis. Silence left to its own devices breeds silence.

So speak and be heard. One word after the next, express yourself and put your life into context; if you find that no one is listening, be loud. Make noise. Stand in poise and be open. Hope in these situations is not enough and you will need someone to lean on. In the unlikely event that you have no one, look again. Everyone is blessed with the ability to listen. The deaf will hear you with their eyes. The blind will see you with their hands. Let your heart fill their newsstands, let them read all about it. Admit to the bad days, the impossible nights. Listen to the insights of those who have been there, but have come back. They’ll tell you; you can stack misery, you can pack despair, you can even wear your sorrow, but come tomorrow you must change your clothes.

Everyone knows pain. We are not meant to carry it forever. We were never meant to hold it so closely, so be certain in the belief that what pain belongs to now will belong soon to then. That when someone asks you how was your day, realize that for some of us, it’s the only way we know how to say, “Be calm. Loosen your grip, opening each palm, slowly now – let go.””

- Shane Koyczan

take care. 

coming to the cross

this past Wednesday i led my youth group in a night focused around bringing our shame and or guilt to the feet of Jesus. we began by watching a Nooma video titled "Lump."  here is a little preview of its message. 

after watching the video i then proceeded to explain what we would be doing next. we transitioned by moving into the sanctuary. music was playing. the lights were off. a candle, a wooden cross, nails, and a hammer were placed at the front of the sanctuary. i encouraged each person to write down on a piece of paper something that they wanted to lay at the foot of the cross. as a way of giving it to Him and understanding that we are in need of giving our burdens to Him. it was a powerful evening. i had been planning for this night for about a month. it was evident to me that God was working through me. waking me up in the night to write down some thoughts. speaking to me through my mentor Holly. although i didn't talk with everyone who took part in this evening, i had a sense it was a meaningful evening for most everyone. 

thanks to my parents i have gotten to know someone i deeply respect now, her name is Brene Brown. she has done much research on the power of vulnerability as well as shame and guilt. one of my favorite quotes of hers is, "You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging." 

i want to share with you her talk, titled "Listening to Shame." it is an eye-opening and powerful talk. 

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

"To become strong in the broken places in our lives demands that
we do two things, 'hang in there' and 'let go.' To somehow dig
up the courage to keep going is the very courage that allows us
to scoop up the broken pieces of our lives and lay them all at the
feet of the One who would do more in us than just get us through the
storm."
 James Mean

peace.