a tradition..

I have made it a tradition of mine to take time to write a blog post reflecting on the year that is close to being finished. Here are some of my cherished memories of the year 2013.

..2013..

 

 J A N U A R Y

 New Year's Eve Party. kicked off the year with friends. the pizza dome. sparkling grape juice. fondue. party hats. clara. shelby. molly. yari. bree. olivia. brooke.

 

F E B R U A R Y
Lent. fasted from any food not from a seed. took time each day to journal about things I was grateful for.

 

M A R C H

 Band and Choir Trip. New Orleans. beignets. dancing. swamp boat tour. jazz. steamboat cruise. oak alley plantation. bubba gumps. free time. aquarium. early morning devotions with ines.  

 

A P R I L

 Pirates of Penzance. musical. daughter #?. notorious for a graceful faint. "how beautifully blue the sky..""climbing over rocky mountains.." loads of fun.

 

Prom. purple dress. nathan. won a lap-top. star wars theme. leader of the invitation and program committee. hair done by Jordan.  

 

M A Y

 Edisto Beach. family vacation. South Carolina. walks on the beach. sunrises. sunsets. putt putt golfing. seafood. family time. very relaxing.

J U N E

Journey to Kidron--->Canton. said goodbyes. said many hello's. grandparents. biking. fishing. Canton. Lighthouse Ministries. samara. k'yanna. savannah. lillian. fara. coriane. skyla. life lessons learned. much laughter. many smiles. many hugs. many friendships made. sharing God's love.

 

J U L Y

Convention. Phoneix, Arizona. 120 degrees. coloring with Aaron and Justin on the plane. reconnecting with friends from VA. inspiring seminars. photo scavenger hunt with the youth group in Tempe. awesome worship gatherings. lots of fun.

Illinois. celebrating Grandma & Grandpa's 50th anniversary. cousins. hiking. wonderful food. beautiful scenery. much laughter.

 

A U G U S T

 Campout in the backyard.  2 days. no technology. prepared all my meals on the fire. slept in the tent. journaled. relaxful.

 S E P T E M B E R

 Start of school. senior year. volleyball season. One proud big sister.  

 

O C T O B E R

 Virginia. reunited with old friends. senior picture sesh. photo credit: Alicia Berry. cold morning. lots of smiles. loads of fun. Mr. J's Bagel's. long car ride. mountains.  

 N O V E M B E R

 Hesston. college visit. fell in love with everything about Hesston College. reunited with Danika. waiting in line for an hour to eat BBQ in Kansas city. 14 hour long car ride.

 

 

D E C E M B E R

Indy. Noteworthy trip. 18th birthday weekend. shopping. singing. putt putting in the dark. pool time. buying a lotto ticket. seeing a Christmas Carol. eating at the Spaghetti Factory. adventures with Ines. my lap-top dying (but no worries it came back to life).

 

 What a year it was. I learned so much and gained so much affirmation throughout the year. From not just my family but from my friends and teachers at school as well as my church family who continually encourages me. There were definitely times when I felt very distant from God and wondered what exactly He was doing. But as I look back and took time throughout this year to reflect it was so evident the many different ways God has continued to shape me and help me to grow. I am so thankful.

I would die for you...

  the other night i was watching my favorite show "Rookie Blue", and at the end of the episode a song was playing in the background as the cops were recovering from several being shot. they were in all waiting in the hospital to hear whether they would all be okay. watching what was happening on the show as well as hearing the words of the song brought tears to my eyes. the song repeated over and over again.."I, I would die for you..yeah I, I would die for you..and it all came true yeah it all came true.." this song has never left my mind since. as i was explaining it to my friend, i mentioned how i imagine jesus singing it to me..."Emily, I, I would die for you....and it all came true..." i know it may sound a little on the cheesy side..but in the past i have been amazed  at how powerful words can be when you put music to them..

  the lyrics have kept playing in my mind. kind of  like how i have been playing it over and over again on spotify, and so it made me think of how much Jesus really does love me. how like in "Rookie Blue" he would take a bullet for me. he would lay his life down in order to let me live, and i keep saying would, but the thing i cant quite wrap my head around is that he did. he loved me despite my imperfections, my flaws, my sinful deeds, enough to lay his own life down.

  love. what does it actually mean? we throw that word around sometimes like its no big deal. "i love pizza" or "i love Rookie Blue" Jesus took love to a whole other level. when He said for us to love our enemies..he didn't just mean say hi once in a while or share a laugh here and there..love, to Jesus was so much more than that...with love comes humility...putting others before yourself...no matter what that person did or said to you..Jesus said to love them...no matter if that person has the same beliefs or views as you..Jesus said to love them...this whole love thing isn't easy...numerous times throughout this school year so far, its kind of slapped me in the face..as ive interacted with people who don't always look or feel the same way i do about things i don't think "love" is necessarily the first thing that pops into my brain...but then i remember that Jesus didn't just die for me...he died for them too...wow, he died for them too...

"I would die for you"..Matt Walters..



family.

throughout this summer I have become to realize more and more how much I love my family. not just my mom dad and sisters, although those are the ones I probably have missed this most. while living with my grandparents in Kidron, I have also come to love and care for them in a new way that I dont think I would have if i wouldn't have been with them most of this summer. and this past week as I spent time with my dad's side of the family i was also reminded how much I love being around my cousins and grandparents on that side as well. how much fun we have together, and the laughter we share whenever we get together.

 

there is something really special about knowing you are related to someone. a connection you wouldn't necessarily feel with a friend. while friends may come and go, family remains close and steady and they are always there to fall back on. now, i say all that but at the same time i realize that not all would view their family that way. as i've heard the stories and reality of some of the kids i work with in Canton, i realize how blessed i have been. how blessed i have been to grow up in a family where both a mom and a dad are present. how blessed i have been to grow up in a Christian home where good morals and values have been passed down to me and have helped to create a strong foundation.

 

 

you don't always realize what you have until its no longer there anymore.

 

ive really become aware of this reality as i had to say goodbye to my beloved parents and my two bestest friends, my sisters, for most of this summer. it has not been easy for me. and i have to think of what it will be like when i say goodbye in about a year from now as i head off to college. its not easy to leave the ones you feel most comfortable with. the ones who know you best and accept you no matter where your at in life. but ive learned a lot from being away from them. ive gained more independence, and i view that as a positive thing.

 

 

so i encourage you to take time to remember and give thanks for the family members that have helped shape you over the years. we aren't who we are without the help and guidance from those who share that connection of being related with us.

 

 

take care,

lessons learned.

location: Phoenix, Arizona

climate: 112 degrees, dry, sunny

daily routine: breakfast, morning worship, browsing college booths, lunch, seminars, supper, evening worship, evening activities.

people: 4000 Mennos

time period: June 30th--->July 6th

 

i learned....

- that 112 degrees in Arizona feels like a hair dryer blowing in your face.

- that its fun to watch the many different people while sitting in the airport.

- that it takes 100 years for a cactus to grow an arm.

- that you don't sweat when its 118 degrees outside.

- that the floor in the youth worship auditorium is not made for 3000 youth to jump on it.

- that it is important to hold onto something when riding a metro or you will fall over.

- that Chipotle quesarito (quesadilla + burrito) is only sold in the western states.

- that it is possible to fit 20 high schoolers in an elevator.
- that no one will ever beat my daddy's hugs.
- that even though my daddy is 45 years old he is still strong enough to carry me on his back all the way down a hotel hallway.

 

but more importantly i learned....

- that it is important to be a follower of Jesus instead of just a fan.

- that i am proud to be apart of the Mennonite church.

- that it is important when talking to someone of a different denomination to elevate the conversation so that it focuses more on Jesus Christ than on your differences.

- that faith is reasonable, logical, and sensible.

- that forced love is abuse.

- that testimony can be described as the ways our stories connect with God's story.

- that Christian testimony is different from other testimonies because is focuses on how God is involved, a larger purpose is involved in sharing it, that it is important, and can be described as "when God meets us right smack in the middle of our lives."

- that testimony is needed in a world that doesn't follow God' story.

- that God is beyond words, therefore it may take years to share about the ways God has touched our own lives.

- that you know God is real when you put the Bible and your own personal encounters with God together and they connect.

- that where you invest your love is where you invest your life.

- that we need each other. we cannot follow God alone.

- that i am an S in DISC test. which means.....

i take my time to do things step-by-step.

i am dependable and can be relied upon.

i don't rush to make decisions and stick to things i know work.

i go out of my way to get along with others.

i don't create conflicts or make waves and i am accepting of others.

i am easy to talk to, and i have a calming influence on others.

i have a compassionate nature and tender heart and feel others hurts.

i am there when people need me and i follow through on your promises.

- that everyone has strengths and everyone has weaknesses. and we need both to make us human.

- that any strength that is overused or misused becomes a weakness.

- that five practices of exemplary leadership are:

1)model the way (set the course, do the dirty work)

2)inspire a shared vision (the leaders own belief in and enthusiasm for the vision are the sparks that ignite the flame of inspiration)

3)challenging the process (leadership involves a change from the status quo)

4)enabling others to act (the work of leaders is helping people feel strong, capable, informed, and connected)

5) encouraging the heart (a leaders job is to show people that they can succeed.

- that anger is a valid emotion.

- that i am imperfect and i am in need of belonging.

- that i am insecure.

- that i am loved.

- that i have been blessed with a family that accepts me despite my weaknesses.

 

i hope from what i have shared you can gain knowledge and understanding. although my week at convention was challenging, as you can see i learned a lot.

 

take care.

 

a rollercoaster..

  and what a ride it has been. full speed. with numerous ups and downs along the way.

 

   each day this week I have come home from camp with so many stories, so much less energy than I started the day with, and many new lessons learned. i would be lying if I said this week was easy.  i love my girls, Samara and K'yanna but they don't make my job easy.

 

   K'yanna/KK is very outspoken, you will often hear her ranting. one of her famous lines is, "i'm gonna pop you on the head." the first two days of camp I was busy taking care of Samara's needs that I didn't spend as much time with K'yanna. by the third day I could tell that was bothering her. so we had a talk and it ended with a hug and her saying, "your my favorite staff." she comes across with an attitude at times and will often ask me to not touch her or her things. so i have learned to only show her affection when she either asks for it or she gives it to me first. while she may come across at first as very confident and almost obnoxious at times but throughout the week i saw glimpses of a softer and more sensitive side. i look forward to continuing to build a friendship with her as the weeks go on.

 

   Samara/Mar Mar is less outspoken. small for her age, but sometimes you would be surprised with how loud she could be. the first day her and her best friend Skyla shared with the class their best friend rap: "skyla and samara this is all we be about, your papa's so fat i got cheese on my Minnie mouse" now don't ask me what that means but they sure do love it. one of my favorite memories with Mar Mar was both on Monday and Tuesday during Bible story time she decided to fart on me. Monday's were small and not so loud but then Tuesday came around and let me tell ya it was explosive. both times she was rolling on the floor laughing and so was i. from then on i knew she was comfortable with me. i also learned that to get attention Samara likes to pout. it was a struggle for me to know how much attention i should give her. i say all this, and at the same time i still love Samara. even though she gives me trouble i still love her. unconditional love, that is what the camp is all about.

 

  now even though those are the girls i have been asked to closely mentor i have also started to build friendships with the other fourth graders. Imani, quiet personality, cute outfits, and beautiful smiles. Lillian, soft voice, always doing the right thing, is a helper. Fara, smart, likes to say "hi", and she enjoys camp. Savannah, quite a handful, tells it like it is, likes to be the one in charge. Skyla, loves hugs, very outspoken, loves to laugh. And Corian, the only boy in a class of 7 girls, lady's man, loves hugs, responds better to female staff. its been such a joy getting to know all of them.

 

first impressions are always interesting. i look forward to learning more about and from the kids as the summer goes on.

 

each night i have made it my duty to no matter how hard the day was to write down in my journal a list of things i was grateful for from that day. i have found it to be a good way of ending the day well no matter how it might have gone. its good for me to reflect and to be grateful. because there is always something to be grateful for.

 

thank you so much for your continued support and prayers. even though the hardest part may be over i still have a lot to learn and a lot more days ahead. while i really look forward to them, i know they will not all be easy.

 

take care.

 

 

prepared, inspired, and anxious..

on Monday of this week I woke up at around 6:30AM. the first thing I did was open my Jesus Calling devotional book to June 10th. and this is what was written...

"Rest in Me, My child. Give your mind a break from planning and trying to anticipate what will happen. Pray continually, asking My Spirit to take charge of the details of this day. Remember that you are on a journey with Me. When you try to peer into the future and plan for every possibility, you ignore your constant Companion who sustains you moment by moment. As you gaze anxiously into the distance, you don't even feel the strong grip of My hand holding yours. How foolish you are, My child! Remembrance of Me is a daily discipline. Never lose sight of My Presence with you. This will keep you resting in Me all day, everyday."

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him." -Psalm 62:5

 

   before reading this on Monday morning I had overwhelmed myself with worry, fear, and nervousness. all the new that I was about to encounter was causing me to ignore my constant Companion. I was gazing anxiously into the distance, not remembering the strong grip of God's hand holding mine. when I read this I immediately felt at peace. one of the most bizarre feelings ever. although I did go into the day at peace, taking all that "new" in was very exhausting.

 

   I carpooled with 3 other teens to Belden Elementary School in Canton, Ohio where I would be spending the majority of my summer working. This past week each day we focused on how to be best prepared for when the kids would arrive. each morning we watched a TED talk. these talks sparked good discussion as we answered questions like: what is this telling us about who we are as humans? how is the speaker challenging us as educators? what steps can we take to create a positive atmosphere for our students?

 

   another form of training we went through in the afternoon was called MANDT training. the MANDT system teaches that all people are important. at the most basic level, relationships are formed to satisfy human needs for human safety and security and needed for people to grow and develop. building positive healthy relationships is the ultimate goal of their training system. Darin Nissley, one of the directors, led this part of the training. I was very impressed and encouraged hearing his words and wisdom. some of the key things he said during this time were:

-Jesus died for them (kids) as much as He died for me.

-This camp is about power under. We are not here to stand on top of these kids and share our power that way, but we are to about power under. Helping these kids to be empowered.

-All this camp cares about is the heart.

 

   so Monday went and came, and the rest of the week went smoothly. I learned to get to know the rest of my team. many smiles were shared as we talked about how excited we all were to meet the kids. towards the end of the week we found out the names of the kids we each would be individually mentoring throughout the summer. I found out that I have two girls. Samara and Kyanna. I look forward to building a relationship with them both. I feel as though I am as ready to learn from my mistakes and grow as I invest in both of them. i believe this week was really beneficial. i learned a lot. i feel as though i am prepared. and although I am very excited to meet the kids, I also find myself a little anxious about the unknown. then I am reminded of this verse.

 

 "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him." -Psalm 62:5

 

i hope to keep you updated on how next week goes for me. thanks for your prayers and your support. i appreciate it so very much!

take care.

 

 

an opened door.

To my friends and family,

   I am so excited to inform you of a very exciting and special dream of mine that has begun to take shape. I have been accepted to work with Lighthouse Ministries in Canton, OH this summer! Each summer Lighthouse Ministries leads what they call a Summer Enrichment Camp. They have both college and high school students help minister and walk alongside kids predominantly elementary aged.
   I will be living with my grandparents who live in Kidron, Ohio during that time. I leave Sunday June 9th and training begins on June 10th. I will be in Kidron for the majority of the summer all except for 2 weeks. I am grateful to be allowed to still be able to allow time off to go to Convention in Arizona and enjoy time with my extended Kauffman family. My official last day working will be August 1st.    The Lighthouse Summer Enrichment camp focuses on nurturing kid’s needs academically, physically, and spiritually. We will spend time each day exercising, learning math, science, arts, and reading, and finishing the  day with worship and a Bible study.
   As a high school intern, I’ll be placed in either the 3rd, 4th, or 5th grade class and I’ll be assigned to one or two kids for the summer. My job is to be their encourager, motivator, supervisor and friend. Many of the children in this program have very little knowledge of God or the Bible. The goal is to plant seeds of faith in their young lives and let them know how much Jesus loves each and every one of them.

  

 

I would really appreciate your prayers throughout this summer. Prayers for an open mind, an open heart, and open arms to all that God has in store for me. I plan on using my blog as a way of updating and sharing my experiences throughout this summer.

take care.

 

 

 

a new beginning to a new end...

today it hit me as I walked through the halls of pettisville high school...yesterday was the seniors last day of high school...they are done...they will never walk through these halls ever again as students but as graduates...whoa...I am filled with so many emotions right now I don't think I can fully grasp what all this means....emotions of sadness, loss, nervousness, anger, fear, excitement, happiness, and pressure...this years senior class was pretty awesome. all though there are some I cant say that I will miss, the overall majority of them I can say that I will. I will miss there uplifting spirits in the hallway, their smiles, their hugs, their senses of humor, and their energy. and for me to realize our class has some pretty big shoes to fill. that we are the leaders of the school next year is kind of scary. I think Im right in saying our class has tended to get a bad rep. which I think makes this whole senior leadership thing a bit more scary for me. although id love to be at a place where I feel like ive put all my trust in the Lord that unfortunately is not where im at. it is very scary for me to think that I will be leaving my beloved family. as well as all the expectations I feel like I need to live up to because it is my last year of high school. the future is a scary thing and I really don't like looking at it unless I know exactly what im looking at. then I read Isaiah 43....

But now, this is what the Lord says—
    he who created you, Jacob,
    he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
² When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.
³ For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

 

I am comforted by these words. I feel like I will be reading them a lot more throughout the next year :) I have only just begun this journey. Although as of now all I can focus on are all my fears I believe there will be times of happiness and excitement along the way...

take care.

questions..thoughts..ideas..

i think a lot. like a lot. in the past few years i've found writing is a way for me to in a way organize my thoughts and understand them better. i've also found it is even more difficult for me to verbalize my feelings and or thoughts. i find myself thinking.."i don't make any sense, why do i even try?"..or "what i have to say is not as important as what that person would say." when in reality there is a need for each of us to voice our opinions in thoughts. 

the other night my dad and i were talking and he just began to ask me questions about what i thought about a certain thing as well as questions of  how i am feeling. sure, it makes complete sense in my mind what i believe and what i think but it is a whole other story to actually begin to try and explain it to someone. i find myself longing for someone that i can go to whenever and speak my thoughts and feelings to and they'd understand. that they'd understand why i feel the way i do about certain things and would affirm me for having those thoughts. it has been a struggle for me to talk to my dad about my faith. he sets the bar pretty high when it comes to it. even though he or i wouldn't say he puts expectations or pressure on me to have all the right answers when it comes to faith, i feel that pressure. i feel as if i'm not good enough for him. 

yeah i post all these "inspirational" posts on Facebook and at school i'm known as someone with a great faith. but if everyone knew the ins and outs of me would they think of me the same? why do we feel the need to put on masks? when is it okay to be honest  with who we really are? because i feel like i cant always do that. growing up in a Christian home i have always "known" about God. for most of my life i've had a relationship with Him. but do i really 

no, i don't read the Bible near enough. no, i don't know every single Bible story and every single character there ever was. no, i don't say grace before every meal i consume. no, i don't quote scripture. no, i don't say the nicest things sometimes. no, i don't always have a smile on my face. no i don't always take time to pray for a person when i tell them i would. yes, i make mistakes, i mess up, i lie, i put on a mask, i cheat, i get angry, i don't thank God enough for this beautiful life i've been given. but you know what? God knows every single inch of me and guess what? He loves me the same. He really does. He loves me. He loves me when i mess up. He loves me when i question His goodness. He loves me when i fall at His feet crying and wondering "why God why?". 

you don't have to always speak about God. you don't always have to have a smile on your face. you don't always have to love God. its okay to screw up. because in reality its those people who've really screwed up and come to God that fully know His grace and His love. you don't have to be at either of the extremes. you can be in that middle area. just make sure before you go and start judging others you take time to look in the mirror. 

you are worthy of love and belonging. you are gonna mess up. your not ever gonna know all the answers to all of life's questions. and that's okay. 

and please, don't get me wrong here. i'm not saying this is easy. i'm not saying its easy to take time in the middle of your busy schedules to dig deep into His word. i'm not saying its easy to take the road less travelled. i'm not saying its easy standing up for yourself when really your not even sure what you believe in. i'm not saying its easy to go and talk to that kid who isn't one of the popular people. i'm not saying its easy to say no to something your friends are trying to get you to do and you know isn't right. i'm not saying its easy to talk to God when you don't even feel like He is listening or that He even cares. 

do it anyway. 

joshua 1:9 says...

^"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

i leave you with this thought. 

are you doing everything you can to follow the footsteps of the one who took your mistakes, your failures to the cross and traded them in for your life? we are all on this journey together. a journey where we will face temptation, fear, hope, love, guidance, misleading, judgement, and persecution. you are not alone. 

the dude has passion...

as i read and as i listened to the words and voice of Shane Koyczan i was beyond encouraged. i respect people like Shane so much. people who's words give me hope. they give me hope, because often what we hear or see in this world is defeating, sobering, depressing, and angering. so i encourage you to find a quiet spot, a comfy blanket, maybe even a cup of tea, and play the video as you read Shane's words. 

Instructions for a Bad Day

“There will be bad days. Be calm. Loosen your grip, opening each palm slowly now. Let go. Be confident. Know that now is only a moment, and that if today is as bad as it gets, understand that by tomorrow, today will have ended. Be gracious. Accept each extended hand offered to pull you back from the somewhere you cannot escape. Be diligent. Scrape the grey sky clean. Realize every dark cloud is a smoke screen meant to blind us from the truth, and the truth is, whether we see them or not - the sun and moon are still there and always there is light.

Be forthright. Despite your instinct to say, “it’s alright, I’m okay” - be honest. Say how you feel without fear or guilt, without remorse or complexity. Be lucid in your explanation, be sterling in your oppose. If you think for one second no one knows what you’ve been going through; be accepting of the fact that you are wrong, that the long drawn and heavy breaths of despair have at times been felt by everyone - that pain is part of the human condition and that alone makes you a legion.

We hungry underdogs, we risers with dawn, we dissmissers of odds, we blessers of on – we will station ourselves to the calm. We will hold ourselves to the steady, be ready, player one. Life is going to come at you armed with hard times and tough choices, your voice is your weapon, your thoughts ammunition – there are no free extra men, be aware that as the instant now passes, it exists now as then. So be a mirror reflecting yourself back, and remembering the times when you thought all of this was too hard and that you’d never make it through.

Remember the times you could have pressed quit – but you hit continue. Be forgiving. Living with the burden of anger, is not living. Giving your focus to wrath will leave your entire self absent of what you need. Love and hate are beasts and the one that grows is the one you feed. Be persistent. Be the weed growing through the cracks in the cement, beautiful - because it doesn’t know it’s not supposed to grow there. Be resolute. Declare what you accept as true in a way that envisions the resolve with which you accept it.

If you are having a good day, be considerate. A simple smile could be the first-aid kit that someone has been looking for. If you believe with absolute honesty that you are doing everything you can - do more.

There will be bad days, times when the world weighs on you for so long it leaves you looking for an easy way out. There will be moments when the drought of joy seems unending. Instances spent pretending that everything is all right when it clearly is not, check your blind spot. See that love is still there, be patient. Every nightmare has a beginning, but every bad day has an end. Ignore what others have called you. I am calling you friend. Make us comprehend the urgency of your crisis. Silence left to its own devices breeds silence.

So speak and be heard. One word after the next, express yourself and put your life into context; if you find that no one is listening, be loud. Make noise. Stand in poise and be open. Hope in these situations is not enough and you will need someone to lean on. In the unlikely event that you have no one, look again. Everyone is blessed with the ability to listen. The deaf will hear you with their eyes. The blind will see you with their hands. Let your heart fill their newsstands, let them read all about it. Admit to the bad days, the impossible nights. Listen to the insights of those who have been there, but have come back. They’ll tell you; you can stack misery, you can pack despair, you can even wear your sorrow, but come tomorrow you must change your clothes.

Everyone knows pain. We are not meant to carry it forever. We were never meant to hold it so closely, so be certain in the belief that what pain belongs to now will belong soon to then. That when someone asks you how was your day, realize that for some of us, it’s the only way we know how to say, “Be calm. Loosen your grip, opening each palm, slowly now – let go.””

- Shane Koyczan

take care. 

coming to the cross

this past Wednesday i led my youth group in a night focused around bringing our shame and or guilt to the feet of Jesus. we began by watching a Nooma video titled "Lump."  here is a little preview of its message. 

after watching the video i then proceeded to explain what we would be doing next. we transitioned by moving into the sanctuary. music was playing. the lights were off. a candle, a wooden cross, nails, and a hammer were placed at the front of the sanctuary. i encouraged each person to write down on a piece of paper something that they wanted to lay at the foot of the cross. as a way of giving it to Him and understanding that we are in need of giving our burdens to Him. it was a powerful evening. i had been planning for this night for about a month. it was evident to me that God was working through me. waking me up in the night to write down some thoughts. speaking to me through my mentor Holly. although i didn't talk with everyone who took part in this evening, i had a sense it was a meaningful evening for most everyone. 

thanks to my parents i have gotten to know someone i deeply respect now, her name is Brene Brown. she has done much research on the power of vulnerability as well as shame and guilt. one of my favorite quotes of hers is, "You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging." 

i want to share with you her talk, titled "Listening to Shame." it is an eye-opening and powerful talk. 

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

"To become strong in the broken places in our lives demands that
we do two things, 'hang in there' and 'let go.' To somehow dig
up the courage to keep going is the very courage that allows us
to scoop up the broken pieces of our lives and lay them all at the
feet of the One who would do more in us than just get us through the
storm."
 James Mean

peace. 

what to do...

a photographer. a teacher. a pastor. a youth pastor. a journalist. a counselor. a missionary. a nurse. an interior designer. a chef. throughout my life so far each one of these professions have come to mind as i have thought about what i want to do with my life. at times i have felt very strongly about one idea but then as i have begun to learn more about myself and become exposed to different possibilities my ideas have changed numerous times. it is fun for me to think about what i could see myself doing. i have been so incredibly blessed to have felt  and been given so many different forms of affirmation from many different people in my life so far. i look forward to seeing where God leads me. i believe He will take me to numerous places. i look forward to meeting new people and forming relationships with those i meet. speaking of going somewhere new, i have begun thinking about where God is calling me to. last year if you would've asked me what i was thinking of doing after high school i would've definitely said, "well not college!" at that time i was leaning towards the idea of taking a year off and possibly doing service somewhere. but something has changed. i have felt more of a motivation to do well in my school work this year, and ive begun to feel as though i do have a purpose and a calling. sure, i dont know what that is exactly but i trust that God will provide. as of now Hesston College has been calling my name. a small mennonite college in Kansas, 2 year college, family-like atmosphere, and consists of a great Bible program. so as of now i am considering majoring in Bible and Ministry at Hesston. i believe it will give me a good base to whatever i choose to do next. i say all this with the realization that it all could change, and im completely fine with that. i also realize i am one of the few in my age group who actually feels like they know what they want to do. i feel so blessed. after Hesston, i am considering Eastern Mennonite University in Harrisonburg. whether i major in social work or psychology. who knows but God. well these are my thoughts for now. take care. 

blessed.

as i sit here in my warm house..as i hear the laughter of my sisters...as i smell mom's cooking in the kitchen...and as i sit and see the sun set out my windows..i think to myself..what a beautiful life i have been blessed with..i encourage you to remember that no matter how messed up this world of ours is there is always something to be grateful for..♥ this afternoon my mom and sisters and were sitting together in the living room. we had just finished up face-timing with my aunt and something came up about it feeling a bit out of our comfort zones to face-time. how it felt weird to be in communication with someone in our family but not be in the same room with them. i will choose not to go into details, but together we each took our turns being honest with one another. this honesty was uncomfortable. we vented with one another. sharing our hurts and our latest struggles. there was a very unsettling feeling as we began to one up one another. then my mother being the wise one that she is prompted us with the question, "and how can we make this better? how can we work to be respectful of one another and take time to listen to one another?" this prompted me to break down the walls of feeling like i had to be better than my sisters. i shared with my sister that no matter how mad or fake i may come across to her i am so proud to call her my sister. as i have watched her play this season of basketball. seeing her going from playing freshman basketball to playing at the varisty level all in one season has made me so entirely proud. as i look out during the national anthem during her games and looking one by one at each of the girls hand on their hearts and then seeing my sister hands behind her back. because as she personally believes that pledging allegiance to america is not something she feels called to do. wow. it takes someone very strong and special to make a choice like that. and in that moment when i shared that with her, tears running down both of our cheeks, the shame, the guilt, and the  hurt that we had just been experiencing and sharing seemed to instantly fade away. the respect and the love came instead.it amazes me how when we make the choice to look at the positive in each other how that can change us. for lent this year i have begun to keep a gratitude journal. each evening before bed i have taken time to record a couple things from the past day that i find myself grateful for. its been really helpful to look back on my day no matter how bad it may have seemed and to realize there were actually good things that happened as well. i realize how blessed i am and how at times i dont fully realize it. so now i encourage each one of you reading this to be sure to spend time with your family. i know for some family may be not a place where they are most comfortable but be sure to take time to be real, authentic, and genuine with those whom you do feel comfortable with. we all are struggling. dont be afraid to share with someone else because chances are they are in need to share as well. well these are my thoughts for now. peace and take care.

honesty..

this week has been a really good one for me. i felt God's presence in so many different ways. even in the small things such as hearing a song on the radio that i was really able to relate to at the time. and in the big things such as a conversation with a good friend of mine that needed to happen. being able to be honest with one another and realizing that God was present. i know i tend to not fully expect to see God in my everyday life but i was reminded this week that if we seek God we will find Him. i am also amazed each and everyday at school the variety of people that come up to me and feel comfortable to talk to me and even some who feel comfortable enough to be honest and tell me what they are struggling with or where they see God at work. wow. it gives me chills just thinking about it. God, you are working through me. some find fulfillment  and confidence through sports, academics, music, art, or dancing but for me its being able to listen. to listen to people whether they are hurting, rejoicing, or just simply confiding in me. listening as well reaching out to every person not just the "cool" ones. it gives me so much joy to know that people respect me because of the faith i have in Him. its not because of me its because of HIM. we are each called to live out our lives in such a way that through our actions and words the only one who is glorified is HIM. whatever your gifts may be. be bold. be confident in the One who provides all strength and power. praise be to the King of Kings.forever and ever. amen. peace. 

beloved..

Adjective                              Dearly loved.

Noun                        A much loved person.

Synonyms adjective.   dear - darling - favorite - favorite - loved noun.   sweetheart - darling - love - sweetie - lover

Psalm 119:41-48 (The Message)

Let your love, God, shape my life    with salvation, exactly as you promised;
Then I’ll be able to stand up to mockery
    because I trusted your Word.
Don’t ever deprive me of truth, not ever—
    your commandments are what I depend on.
Oh, I’ll guard with my life what you’ve revealed to me,
    guard it now, guard it ever;
And I’ll stride freely through wide open spaces
    as I look for your truth and your wisdom;
Then I’ll tell the world what I find,
    speak out boldly in public, unembarrassed.
I cherish your commandments—oh, how I love them!—
    relishing every fragment of your counsel.

on monday night our family received word that my 17 year old cousin had been in an accident head on with a drunk driver. she was immediately taken to the trauma center and at the time there was so much unknown. the feelings of shock, anger, and sadness were very present as we waited to hear more of her injuries and present condition. but i am so grateful and overjoyed to announce that her recovery has gone so peacefully and smoothly. i am reminded of the immeasurable and vast the love that God has is for each one of us. i find myself thinking so often, how in the world can i possibly be worth the love that He has for me. i am beloved. He loves me despite the fact that i fail Him everyday. 

then a good friend of mine shared a way that has helped him to be reminded of God in his everyday life. he challenged our fca to find something in our everyday life and dedicate it to God. whether it be making it our mission to act kindly towards our siblings when we face the temptation to snap back when they annoy us or even simply carrying around a special rock in our pocket to remind us that God is always with us. as i was thinking of what i could do to help me be reminded of this i thought of a word. b e l o v e d. i thought about where i could have it so that i would constantly be reminded of God's presence and the reminder that God loves me despite all the ways i fail Him. so as you can see in the photo above i found my wrist to be a good place to write it. so that throughout my day and whatever challenges i may face i would be reminded. "em, you are loved." it may seem so simple. because i think we often use the word love so loosely. but love is such a powerful and deep word. so i'd encourage you to find a way or object that can help you to be reminded of God's presence in your everyday life. remember that you are beloved no matter what you've done. He still loves YOU <3 font="font" nbsp="nbsp">

peace. 

2 0 1 3 = p r o o f....

..2 0 1  3..

i have no doubts this year will be full of ups and downs, highs and lows, challenges and joys. remember em, take it all one day at a time. live in the present. the reality is HIS plan is so much better than yours. seek HIM and you will find joy. stay strong girl. stay firm in who you are and who you stand for. remember you cannot do it alone. people love you. build bridges. make good choices. live with intention. listen hard. laugh. continue to learn. do what you love. 

this is simply my prayer for this year. 

..2 0 1 3..

If I sing but don't have love
I waste my breath with every song
I bring an empty voice, a hollow noise
If I speak with a silver tongue
Convince a crowd but don't have love
I leave a bitter taste with every word I say

So let my life be the proof,
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You and what You're made of
How You lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
So let my life be the proof,
The proof of Your love

If I give 
To a needy soul but don't have love then who is poor?
It seems all the poverty is found in me

So let my life be the proof,
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You and what You're made of
How You lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
Oh, let my life be the proof,
The proof of Your love

When it's all said and done
When we sing our final song
Only love remains
Only love remains

Let my life be the proof,
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You and what You're made of
How You lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
So let my life be the proof,
The proof of Your love

this is simply my song for this year.

..2 0 1 3..

"Get the word out. Teach all these things. And don’t let anyone put you down because you’re young. Teach believers with your life: by word, by demeanor, by love, by faith, by integrity. Stay at your post reading Scripture, giving counsel, teaching. And that special gift of ministry you were given when the leaders of the church laid hands on you and prayed—keep that dusted off and in use."

..1 Timothy 4:11-14..

this is simply my scripture for this year.

walk with me on this journey. a journey of learning, loving, listening, messing up, forgiving, and simply being. 

take care. 

being in love...

this weekend i had the opportunity to go on a winter retreat with my church's youth group at Amigo Centre. i felt so intrigued about the things i learned and how i was inspired that i feel the need to share. Jessica, our speaker for the weekend, had us look through a stack of photos of some very different images. the first time she had us pick out a photo that made us think of faith and what we believe faith looks like. i chose a photo of what looks like a person walking up an escalator but it only shows their feet. for me faith is a journey of walking with God. its like we are climbing up a mountain/escalator and we have those high experiences along the way when we feel "high" on God in a way then like the escalator may pull us up or down. we also have low times where it feels like life/escalator is pulling as down. its like a roller coaster. the second photo we had to choose was a card that showed, in our opinion, what a perfect faith looks like. i chose a picture of a bride on her wedding day. for me if i felt like this bride did about her new spouse as i did about God i would have the perfect faith. so in love with God and wanting a full relationship with Him. i long for the feeling of being fully in love with God and all that He is and does. to me that is what a perfect faith would look like. realizing there is a journey beginning just as the wedding day symbolizes. words that come to mind when i think of this kind of faith are the trust, the relationship, the hope, the commitment, the promise, and what binds it all together...l o v e. i long for the kind of faith that has me being so in love with Him that obedience to Him comes naturally. the third and fourth cards we had to choose had to symbolize worship for you. i chose a card that showed a girl sitting in a dark church sitting hunched over in a pew. she could've been praying or she could've been struggling for the right words. whatever the case i think it is important to realize worship is a time where we can simply sit at the feet of Jesus. soaking in His presence. no we dont need to have it all together. but simply taking the time to listen to Him and spend time with Him. that is what worship is all about for me. the other card i chose was more of what i sometimes see worship as in a not so helpful way. it was a picture of a silverware container with the forks, knives, and spoons all in the specific compartments. the different types of silverware symbolized for me that there are different ways of worship. just like the forks, knives, and spoons all help while eating so do the many different ways of worship. there isn't a right or wrong way. but to remember who and why you are worshiping.

Romans 8:15-17 (The Message)..

"This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It’s adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike “What’s next, Papa?” God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what’s coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we’re certainly going to go through the good times with him!"

take care. 

a tradition..

in past years i have taken time to look back on that year and remember the highlights and have posted about it. i have made it a tradition that i wish to continue. so here are my top highlights from the past year 2012.

J A N U A R Y 

if im honest i cannot seem to remember anything that happened during this month. haha. 

 F E B U R A R Y 

snow camp at amigo with MYF. 2 hour long snow ball fight. kent miller's words of inspiration. tubing in the dark. snow in the toliet thanks to the guys. huge game of spoons. laying in the snow looking up at the stars with katie. long walks with meg, mara, and holly. 

M A R C H 

fiddler on the roof. first musical ever. tzeitel. new friendships made. playing with a "real" baby. memorizing lines. lots of makeup. kiara surprising me. roses from dad. lots of fun. 

A P R I L

winter jam. front row seats. cutting in line. kari jobe. mcdonalds with liz and mom. taco bell. 

M A Y 

worship night at the Back Bay. the band Polen. amazing speaker. hands held high. renewed. refreshed. on fire for HIM. 

J U N E 

SWAP in Kentucky. mountains. MYF. DQ walks. singing on the stage with gabe. heat. learning life lessons. giving but not always receiving what you intend. pickin and grinnin. beef stand. threshers convention. serving more than 200 burgers in a day. me and mara. grease. sweat. fun. HOBY. unique experience. leadership conference. pettisville's sophomore representative. new friends. cheers. seminars. carnival at the nursing home. emily. alex. razzmatazz. make life sparkle. feeling of being empowered. Minnesota. cousins. sleeping on the trampoline. straightening chris's hair. exploring. walks with anika. hiking. waterfalls. biking. floating down a river in tubes. sun burns. naked people in Madison. huge farmers market. 

J U L Y 

Little Eden. cabin in the woods. phil. brandon. sarah. boats. snapping turtles. perfect weather. campfire on the beach. sunsets. relaxation at its finest. cherry spitting contest. kayaking with an. volleyball camp. university of Michigan. patrick. autographs. long hours. gatorade. subway. bdubs. 'rach's birthday'. laughter. concert. kari jobe. mom. kate. anya. inspiration. big church. great music. panera bread. sunset. love. dying hair . kaylyn. yari. fun. purple. teal. 

A U G U S T 

volleyball. varisty team. conditioning. dedication. learning. fall retreat. setting up tents. MYF. jim. jill. sleeping under the stars. fishing. long hours of playing volleyball. caleb&zach vs. josh&me.

S E P T E M B E R 

first bite. taco bell. supreme crunch wrap. aaron. gabe. caught on tape. hot sauce. driving skills. walmart runs. baptism. testimony. water. dad. towel with my name. sparkling shirt. hugs. tears. love. joy. beginning of a journey. 

O C T O B E R 

square dancing. liecthy's barn. candy corn. cider. new moves. MYF. virginia. surprising ki and others at the musical. bowl of good. sleepover with ev, ki, and kat. two worlds collide. 

N O V E M B E R 

chrysalis flight. butterfly. beautiful beloved brunettes. prayer. candles. candy. speakers. poster parties. friends. jordan. feeling HIS presence. 

D E C E M B E R. 

leading worship. planning. preparation. peace. affirmation. lori. learning. birthday. lights at the zoo. ear piercings. 17. happy.

what a year it has. i look forward to the coming year. i cannot wait to see what God has in store. 

take care.